change your heart. change the world.

now that i drive down the street and see signs for graduating seniors of 2011, it makes me realize how long it really has been since i graduated high school. i can't believe it's been a whole year. a lot can happen in a year. and a lot has happened. but one thing i have learned, life doesn't happen the way you plan. so roll with it. a year ago today, i was 2 days away from graduation. i dreamed of moving away and never coming back. i would get a job in johnson city and find an apartment and live there forever. pay my parents back what i had to and live by my own rules. find a guy at etsu, marry him, have babies, be a nurse...typical 18 year old girl plan. i look at my life today and wonder how i got to where i am now. i don't live in johnson city. i go to school there, but just moved back into my parents' house about 2 weeks ago. the only job i had in johnson city was 2 hours a week at a daycare. my parents still pay for everything i have which makes me feel completely worthless sometimes. i found a guy, from spring hill. i will marry him, when we find enough money. i will have babies, forever from now. and i don't wanna be a nurse anymore. i want to be a history teacher, which is a subject that i completely hated when i was in high school. last summer i spent just about every night at the park with my  2 best friends, cory and collin. once i went to school, i had no intentions of coming home for weekend visits. little did i know that collin would invite me to a show that his band was playing in and that would be the beginning of the last relationship i would ever be a part of. i love etsu a lot, but will probably graduate from mtsu so that i can be closer to him when we get engaged. i've met a lot of people that have played big roles in my life...some of them will stay my friends forever, some were just in my life for a season, and that's okay. i met a lot of people from franklin and spring hill that i didn't even know when i lived here. i used to love hanging out with them, and they were a big part of what made me so homesick. i don't talk to hardly any of them anymore because they are totally different now. funny how you move home for something that doesn't exist. at school i went through a few groups of friends. i met forrest and spenser, which i still love and can't wait to go visit this summer. i met the "party platoon" which was just what it sounded like. 10 kids who thought they were way too cool for their own good. we were inseparable for a long time until i got in a fight with one of them and ended the whole thing. i met seth, john, mitchell, and micah, who are four of my favorite people. i can talk to seth about anything, and john loved me before he even met me. mitchell is one of the funniest people i have ever met, and micah broke my heart so bad that i'm grateful. number one because he reminded me that i can't bank on every brand new relationship that i find myself in. number two because if i would have stayed with him i would have never been with collin. or at least not at the point we are now. i went to a church conference that changed my whole outlook on life and made me realize that i was a lukewarm christian and that i needed to follow God with my whole heart. i did some crazy things, like go to roan mountain in the snow, sing way too loud in the car with my gospel group, the redeemed, drive home for a show that i would have to spend the night for and wake up at five the next day to drive all the way back to school. drive to unicoi and greeneville just to attend some trashy get togethers, fall in love with the mountains, discover some amazing new restaraunts, try out for the voice just because i'm so tired of never hearing anyone say how good my voice is anymore, teach myself how to play a song on the piano because i miss it that bad, go back to the high school that i hated just to watch a musical and a choir concert, and find the most amazing meal that i have ever had that will remain my favorite forever. some good, some bad, and some just not seemingly important, but ever moment has shaped who i am today, and going through the last year has broken me down in a way that needed to happen. i look different. i act different. i have different friends. i know who's really part of my family. i know what i believe. i know what kind of difference i want to make. and i have three more years of college that will probably continue to help me grow. nostalgia is a part of every day when you live in two places. when i'm in johnson city, i miss collin. when i'm with collin, i miss school. but i'm happy with where i am because i don't let life bring me down anymore. and that's what it's all about.

he is jealous for me.

loves like a hurricane
i am a tree
bending beneath the weight of his wind and mercy
and all of a sudden 
i am unaware
of these afflictions eclipsed by glory
and i realize just how beautiful you are
and how great your affections are for me


and oh how he loves us so
oh how he loves us
how he loves us oh


and we are his portion 
and he is our prize
drawn to redemption by the grace in his eyes
if his grace is an ocean
we're all sinking
and heaven meets earth like an unforeseen kiss
and my heart turns violently inside of my chest
and i don't have time to maintain these regrets
when i think about the way


he loves us oh how
he loves us oh how
he loves us oh how
he loves



this is my favorite song of all time and i was reminded of it tonight as i begin to feel easter right around the corner. God has done so much for me and my life, but the ultimate display of his affection for us was when we nailed our sin on that cross with him. this easter, remember that he loves you. when no one else does. when you feel like no one cares. when you want to reach for whatever makes you feel good. alcohol. drugs. knives. we all have our own poison. but God wants you to give those things up and let him help you. he loves you so much. he DIED for you. this easter, try to give something up in remembrance of him, because he gave up everything for you.

we are family.

tonight i went to a church service that i had never been to before and the message was about our spiritual family. i had a great night in general, which included moto and starbucks, but the best part of my night was getting to worship my savior and learn more about him. the message was really long and it was all about treating everybody that knows God like a brother or a sister. there was one analogy in particular that stuck out to me, and that's what i want to share with yall. the pastor demonstrated this very well by getting two guys from the audience and putting them on either side of him. they were standing on stairs and each guy was one step higher than the guy behind him. the guy on top represented a spiritual leader, and "had a hold on Christ." The guy holding his hand looked up to him and followed his example. The guy behind the second guy followed the second guy, and this would have continued down the line. the pastor, who was the guy in the middle, walked away--walking away from God. The guy behind him was not connected to the guy on top, and this created a gap between the first and third guys. since following the middle man's example was all the third guy knew, he walked away from God, too. this is not to say that we should look to others for our all time influences or that we are perfect in any way. but we look up to people, and other people look up to us. we should always try our hardest to get closer to Christ, pulling the guy behind us along, too, since we have his hand. don't be the gap that sets the rest of the line apart. always practice what you preach.

thirsty thursdays.

This picture is from my first semester in college. tonight, my roommate and i had a conversation about how far we've come since then. i remember at least once a week going out with our "friends" and living a life that i shouldn't have been. i never went crazy like some people do in college, but i had my fair share of drinking and hooking up with boys who shouldn't have mattered. all i cared about was living life by my rules, getting away from my parents, and getting a boyfriend, no matter what kind of guy he was. christmas break changed all of that for me when my best friend collin confessed that he had feelings for me, and we decided to be more than friends. he challenged me spiritually, and reminded me of who i was supposed to be living for. this semester has looked much different for me. all i really do is watch tv or do homework. i kind of feel like a grandma sometimes, but then i remember how much better i feel about my life now. all my guilt is gone, and i'm finally focused on the things that i want to be for the rest of my life. the memories from my first semester at etsu will never go away, but the lifestyle did, and i love being able to see a difference in myself, and know that i've done a little bit of growing up.

and forever i am free.

On that day when I see
All that You have for me
When I see You face to face
There surrounded by Your grace
All my fears swept away
In the light of Your embrace
Where Your love is all I need
And forever I am free

PRE CHORUS 1:
Where the streets are made of gold
In Your presence healed and whole
Let the songs of heaven
Rise to You alone
[ Lyrics from: http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/h/hillsong_united/you_hold_me_now.html ]
CHORUS:
No weeping no hurt or pain
No suffering You hold me now
You hold me now
No darkness no sick or lame
No hiding You hold me now
You hold me now

VERSE 2:
In this life I will stand
Through my joy and my pain
Knowing there's a greater day
There's a hope that never fails
Where Your Name is lifted high
And forever praises rise
For the glory of Your Name
I'm believing for the day

PRE CHORUS 2:
Where the wars and violence cease
All creation lives in peace
Let the songs of heaven
Rise to You alone

BRIDGE:
For eternity
All my heart will give
All the glory to Your Name

this is a song that we sang tonight at a church service that i go to called the well. i had heard the song before, but this semester has been so much harder for me than the last one, and every day i wake up and i feel like i'm drowning in school work and in trying to keep everything else in my life going such as my relationship with my boyfriend who lives five hours away, or even motivating myself to talk to my mom, who i never really got along with. tonight in particular, it was storming when i went to church, and it wasn't necessarily where i wanted to be going, but i go every week because once i get there, it's like breath in my lungs. when we sang this song tonight, it reminded me that no matter what i'm going through, or what is happening outside, God is holding me in his arms the entire time. and when i feel like i can't take another step, he carries me. this song is incredible and i hope you look it up for yourself but the words even without the music mean so much to me and i hope this song can speak to you too.

inspired by sarah.

i've never had a blog before, but my friend sarah started one, and it made me want one. life with me isn't always exciting, but a lot is happening in my life right now. i'm in my second semester of college at east tennessee state university, i just turned 19 a few months ago, and i also just got into a relationship a few months ago. all of things are changing my life for the better, and i feel like i learn new things about myself and about life all the time so i guess this is a good place for me to sort those things out.